Anonymous asked: You give awesome answers to asks, so here goes: I don't drink, and it feels really skeevy going home with people at parties when I'm totally sober and they're not. How do you tell where the line is when it comes to alcohol, consent-wise? ~ <3
Aw, I hate to disappoint you, anon, but this is an area where I don’t think I can help. I’m a big fan of alcohol in some ways because a couple drinks can work serious miracles on my social anxiety, but I also react badly physically to alcohol, so I just don’t drink at all anymore, and never was much of a drinker to begin with. I don’t really like being around drunk people (you can have a great time, but they probably won’t remember what a great time you had), nor do I enjoy the environments where they tend to be like parties and bars and whatnot. I sort of solve this problem by 100% avoiding the entire situation, which is how you know I don’t live in a country with a pub culture. :D I’m going to leave this here though because this issue is also of interest to me and I’m really hoping some folks will reblog and offer some actual answers.
I want to highlight the other side of this situation. If it feels skeezy, that’s you telling yourself you’re uncomfortable. You also have the right to say no at any time. The fact that someone has been drinking and you have not does not mean that they get to assume that your consent is given — for anything. If you express your discomfort and they continue to pursue you, they are either assholes or they are too drunk to get and acknowledge your consent, and in neither situation do you want to be involved with them.
If you are interested, but concerned that it may be booze and not them, wait until they’re sober. The average liver process one drink an hour. (Lots of calculators online that help approximate how long until someone is sober based on sex, weight, etc with slightly more accuracy). If you’re concerned that “Hey, that’s gonna take too long!” then you probably shouldn’t be having sex with them because either a) they’re too drunk or b) you’re more concerned with getting laid than their consent and you shouldn’t be having sex with anyone, let alone someone who’s been drinking while you’re sober. Or maybe you just have to be to work the next day, in which case, give them your number and tell them to call you. (If you’re only looking for a one night stand, no strings, that’s okay, too. But find someone else for that night, because lots of fish in the sea, and this fish is too drunk). If you think they might no longer want to sleep with you once they’re sober, then it’s the booze, not them, and that’s not real consent.
Consent needs to be a two way street. BOTH sides should be giving their consent, and the fact that one person is stone cold sober and the other isn’t doesn’t mean that we should only be worrying about the consent of the person who has been drinking.
I love this answer because I feel it with my feelings. :D My issue with being sober around drunk people is usually that I’m uncomfortable with drunkenness, and not that I feel some duty to determine for them whether they are or are not capable of consent. I’m not comfortable with the idea of sleeping with someone who might not want me when they’re sober. I’m not comfortable with the idea of sleeping with someone and them maybe not remembering it in the morning. And I’m just not interested in boozing it up, personally, so being the sober person around a bunch of drunk people just isn’t that fun for me. I will however read one million and one stories about Stiles and Derek having drunken college hookups and I will enjoy the fuck out of them.
I do admit though I have some issues in this department; the only time somebody tried to sleep with me, he was fairly drunk, I didn’t know him, he clearly thought I was more drunk than I was, and he was trying to get me into a threesome with my friend. (I’m fairly certain it was her idea. I’m also fairly certain she’s an actual legit sociopath so the entire incident had a very fucked up calculated feeling that gives me the willies every time I think about it.) The entire evening was traumatic on a number of levels, but so basically I have issues with the idea of people trying to get other people drunk to make them more agreeable (pretty sure that was what my friend was aiming for with me), and with people using their own drunkenness as an excuse to do things they know you wouldn’t be okay with from a sober person, if that makes any sense.
“i’m so depressed,” posted the caucasian heterosexual cisgender teenage girl on her blog
“I’m so depressed” posted the person who is clinically depressed and who cannot help their depression despite their privilege because depression does not exclusively affect certain groups.
We need new envelopes. These taste nasty.